He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
