I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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