Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
