he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
