I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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