The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
