im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
