i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
