mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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