so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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