Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
