Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
