just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
