and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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