You don't have asthma, your pregnant
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
