There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just come out here and I will go home with you...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
