went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
