were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
