is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
