I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
