i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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