the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
