There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
