I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Found your dick twin last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
