I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Alive.
So much puke
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
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