Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
