they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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