i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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