Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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