He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Your penis caused this!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
