Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
