ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
