I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
