I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
