i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
