You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
