This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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