ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
