the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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