Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
