I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
