I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
