yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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