I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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