well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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