Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
