someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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