your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
