You're my little dorito
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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