he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
